An Unnecessary Sadness

I sit in the corner of the veranda

Succored by shade in the blazing heat.

Tawny hills and oak trees surround me.

As I write, I hear the scratch of lead on the page.

I’m unsure of how I feel.

With my tears just underneath the surface

I’m unknowing of what’s waiting for me at home.

I found an old entry in the local journal

Where I wrote, “She showed me the importance of home.”

A dam seemed to break inside.

And amidst jealousy,

Envy,

Hatred,

And shame,

A little boy came home to find his heart.

The habits of recent thoughts have not been thoughtful.

It scares me.

It’s as if I’m possessed.

I long for connection and fear that I lack what it takes to commit.

I then think of her,

Her transitioning,

And me at my best.

How recently I’ve forgotten that.

Instead, accepting the impossibility of swimming through air.

Tragedy lies not in transition or change.

It lies in this way of thinking.

To know there is love and not care,

And to live in an unnecessary sadness.

7/30/2015

(Oak Trees on Hill, Stanislaus County, California)