I Am Still Your Friend

Whenever I separate from someone,
For whatever reason,
I feel that I have left them down.
Then I realize
That in spite of all the reasons I give,
The “truth” that I convince myself of,
And the righteousness of my decision
That it’s all bullshit.
I am still your friend.

It’s not death I am afraid of.
I’ll know when it’s my time.
It’s leaving the joy of the connections
I’ve found while inhabiting this body.
All the joys of hurt, pain and sorrow.
All of everything
That has allowed me to feel
Unspeakable love
For all those I have met.

Closure is society’s trick.
One can’t stop in a doing Universe.
Instead, the degrees of love change
For nature does abhor a vacuum
As shown through the felt experience
Of those we have loved and left body.
Whose words and presence
Are more powerful
Then the words of 10,000 shamans.

When I have a troubled sleep,
I say a love rosary that I began
For the woman who set the stage
For me to realize how to kiss softly.
The ritual has expanded
And contracted over the years.
And every now and then
Includes my family
For in loving them I relieve their pain.

For x people, I say 20 times, “I love…”
And then insert a name. It’s no secret.
I just go the way of the dream visitors
And the unfettered heart of Jesus.
On this road I can say “I love you”
Without shame or embarrassment
An “I love you” from a little boy
Who will always know
That there will always be enough.

Afterwards or during, I go to sleep.
Sometimes I wonder if I’m being heard.
Sometimes I’m pissed I’m not sleeping.
Sometimes it’s cold comfort,
Sometimes I know love’s being felt.
When I know, that’s enough.
Even if I’ll never see them while here,
Slender threads of connection remain
And I can breathe again.

A rational man who found his heart
Has said,
“I am, and will always be, your friend”
So when I leave I will weep knowing
That his words are enough.
I can finish
And leave one heart to fill another
To keep the channels open
And the playing fields clear.